


don't follow roads paved with gold

by DesertLily



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: AFTG Mixtape Exchange 2021, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Emotional Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Neil Josten Is an Idiot, Neil joins the Ravens, POV Neil Josten, Self-Destruction, Self-Sacrifice, Self-Worth Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-15 00:22:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28929477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DesertLily/pseuds/DesertLily
Summary: For Nathaniel Wesninski to go to Edgar Allan University, Neil Josten has to die.
Relationships: Kevin Day/Neil Josten, Kevin Day/Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, Neil Josten & The Foxes (All For The Game), Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 4
Kudos: 28
Collections: AFTG Mixtape Exchange 2021





	don't follow roads paved with gold

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Gerifalte](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gerifalte/gifts).



> A fic based on Friends Make Garbage (Good Friends Take It Out) by Low Roar as part of the AFTG Mixtape. I hope you enjoy it!!

Neil Josten had been something close to happy. Neil Josten had been in love. Neil Josten never existed. He had always been nothing but a mask. A facade Nathaniel Wesninski had used in his poor attempt to keep living - if what he was doing could even be called that. Neil Josten had also made the one mistake he’d promised not to make;  _ He’d gotten attached _ . He’d gotten reckless. The Foxes had become his friends - he’d cared about them and they cared for him back. Things had seemed as if they could be good for the first time in his life. But then Neil Josten had gotten cocky. He had grown so sure that he let himself act up. Looking back on it, only a fool would call out Riko Moriyama publicly (or privately, for that matter). But then again, only a fool would fall in love with Andrew Minyard and Kevin Day; only a fool would sacrifice themselves on the slightest chance that it would keep them safe. 

Loving Kevin and Andrew was like loving fire and ice. Kevin Day was heated. He was stubborn and serious. Maybe his mind was too focused on Exy, but Neil wasn’t in any place to judge. But he was also kind. He cared for Neil and made sure Neil knew that he cared. Even if his form of ‘caring’ was a rigorous training regime. But it was more caring than he’d even gotten elsewhere. Even the smallest hug from Kevin was treasured as if it were made of pure gold. Andrew Minyard was cold. He was rude, smug, and relentless. He couldn’t care less about Exy. For some awful reason, Neil loved him. Andrew was unconventional in every possible way. His love language came in the form of offering deals and insults that would sting if anyone else spoke them. Even if Neil was never sure if he was joking every time Andrew said he hated him. 

If Neil were real, both of them were going to kill him for this. 

Leaving was as selfish as it was selfless. It was breaking his deal with Andrew and hurt everyone he cared about, but Neil had convinced himself that it would keep everyone he cared about safe; that Riko would actually consider honouring their deal. He should have known better. Maybe that was why Neil had been so adamant about not saying goodbye to them all. If he tried, they’d all call him out on how much of an idiot he was. If he tried, they’d convince him to stay. And he couldn’t stay. He had to run. Just like always. He had to survive. A part of himself that Neil tried desperately to suppress wanted to stay. It wanted to cling so desperately to the sensation of loving and being loved. It was one of the dumbest and most ridiculous ideas he had ever had. 

His mind was a blur of too many emotions and not enough at the same time. It was funny, in a way. Neil had spent his entire life running away from being dragged back to Edgar Allan University; running from Riko, his family, and everything they stood for. He was willingly going back to a life he had spent years trying to avoid. It made him wonder what sort of person he’d have been if he had stayed there all along? If he had grown up dancing to the Moriyamas’ song. If he’d grown up with Kevin, would he have still fallen in love with him? If Kevin had grown up with him, would he still fall in love with Neil? But then again, Neil would never exist if Nathaniel had stayed. And if Nathaniel had stayed… He never would have had the displeasure of meeting Andrew Minyard. And it had been a displeasure. At first. 

His mind also wandered to think about the sort of life he could have if he had the chance to stay; if everyone he cared about was safe and he was permitted to be happy. Maybe he’d go on actual dates with Kevin and Andrew. Maybe Andrew’’s ‘I hate you’s would become ‘I love you’s. Maybe Neil would finally get used to people caring about him and treating him with sincerity and kindness. Maybe he could finally forget about Nathaniel Wesninski and everything he was supposed to be. The thoughts were as comforting as they were heartbreaking. Because he  _ couldn’t _ have that life. He didn’t deserve it nor would he ever be allowed to live it. 

Yet both Andrew and Kevin refused to leave his mind as he made his preparations to leave. How could they? For the first time in his life, Neil had finally managed to find people he wanted to give his heart away to and just look where it had got him. He was giving up everything his mother had died for in exchange for pretending it would keep two boys he had known for less than a year safe. It was pitiful and Neil knew it was pitiful. But he couldn’t help it. Because Andrew had  _ family _ that would miss him. Aaron may have acted like he hated his twin but he’d been willing to kill for him. And Nicky...Nicky cared so much about the twins that Neil didn’t want to think about what losing Andrew would do to him.

Then came Kevin...Kevin Day deserved to be happy. He deserved to be  _ free _ more than anyone else Neil knew. He deserved to be free more than Neil ever would. They’d be happy enough with just each other, right? They would both forget the name Neil Josten soon enough. Some distant memory that was nothing more than a pipe dream. Probably something less than that, actually. A boring and mundane dream, repetitive enough that you had it again and again but easy enough to forget when it was gone for long enough. And Neil would be gone forever. They’d forget who he used to be. Neil would be lost within Nathaniel and Nathaniel...Well, Nathaniel would be even less deserving of love than Neil was. Just another hound obeying Riko’s every beck and call. A pawn that could be used and discarded at any point in the game. 

He knew deep down that everything that made up Neil Josten would have to be left behind but there were so many moments he still wanted to hold onto. The pure euphoria of feeling Andrew’s lips on his; of having someone want him. The way Kevin’s smile always made him smile. The bear hugs from Matt or even the suffocating ones from Nicky. So many small, precious, and simple moments with the people Neil had foolishly let become his family. Moments with people he was now abandoning. His heart seemed to shatter again and again every time the thought hit him. Not that it mattered. What he thought or wanted didn’t matter anymore. His memories didn’t matter anymore. All that mattered was making sure they all survived whatever the cost. 

Neil tried to tell himself that leaving was a hard choice but the truth was that it was far too easy. It was too easy to just give in and submit. He had spent so many years running and hiding and he was just  _ exhausting _ . It was like swimming against the tide; pretending an inevitability was just a possibility. After all, what hope had he ever really had? How many identities could he really go through? What sort of life could he possibly lead if it was always spent running? Andrew and Kevin were just excuses to try and justify what he was doing. It had always been easier to lie to himself and why would Neil stop now? Why would he do anything but continue to lie and pretend? His life was built up on illusion after illusion and Neil had no real idea how to stop other than to finally give in. 

There was one thought that left him with an almost unbearable sense of unease. Riko would make him play for the Ravens which would mean he’d have to play against the Foxes. Exy may have just been a sport but it was so much more than that to Neil. He lived and he breathed it. And now he would have to use it to stand against his family. Hell,  _ he’d have to score against Andrew _ . He would have to act as if he was impartial towards them and the thought made him feel physically sick. But then again...Would there even be anything left of Neil Josten at that point? Because he doubted the Moriyamas would let him continue to live a life of lies. 

He knew just exactly what he needed to do. Neil Josten died as he was abandoned at Palmetto State University. Nathaniel Wesninski was reborn upon his arrival at Edgar Allan University. He had run out of masks to wear and lies to weave. He’d run out of time. He’d run away like he always did under the illusion of a dumb, foolish, and unrealistic hope. 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated or hmu @ desert-lily on tumblr!


End file.
